Unbound Love: Sex, Fantasy, and Desire

‍It turns out many Americans don’t know how to. Ashley Madison, the world's leading married dating site¹ partnered with Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, a renowned sex researcher and professor at New York University, to uncover what Americans are thinking (fantasizing) about when it comes to sex and show how to act on those thoughts – the results are detailed in a new report titled Unbound Love: Sex, Fantasy, and Desire.

By surveying Ashley Madison members and comparing their results with partnered Americans through YouGov, this report comes at an important time as sexual interests and mores are changing, despite revealing almost half of coupled-up Americans don’t know how, or are maybe too hesitant, to express their sexual fantasies and desires with their partner – a subject that can be difficult to discuss with your partner, until now.

Most partnered Americans surveyed (88% – 93% of men and 83% of women) reported experiencing at least one of the tested sexual fantasies to some degree. While the most common fantasy was intimacy, passion, and romance (with 86% of partnered Americans fantasizing about this to some degree), more than three-quarters of partnered Americans (85% of men and 68% of women) reported having fantasized about something a bit naughtier such as novelty, BDSM, non-monogamy, and multi-partner sex.

Roughly a quarter (26%) of respondents (30% partnered men vs 22% partnered women) confessed to ever fantasizing about homoerotic or genderbending acts.

Apart from BDSM fantasies, (which were equally common in both genders), partnered men reported virtually all fantasies more often than partnered women (with a gender difference between 10-30% points). However, all sexual fantasies were common among both genders, suggesting that many sexual interests previously considered “controversial” or “uncommon” are in fact quite typical.

Unfortunately, despite the high prevalence of many sexual fantasies, almost half of all respondents (47% of men and 40% of women) didn’t feel like they could easily share their sexual fantasies with their partner.

More than two-thirds of Ashley Madison members confess to fantasizing about others when having sex with their partner

Ashley Madison^* members reported experiencing a range of sexual fantasies including the most common fantasies: intimacy, passion and romance (94%), and sexual novelty (94%). Many Ashley Madison members (82%) reported fantasies involving other people, while taboo fantasies were slightly more common among women (69%) than men (65%).

It’s clear that many people are not expressing their sexual needs and desires in their relationship. Why not? The answer may be simple:

Indeed, fewer and fewer are choosing monogamy as their ideal with 61% of partnered Americans fantasizing about non-monogamy while a third say their ideal relationship type is some sort of openness if they could be assured this wouldn't harm their relationship.

While sex, fantasy, and desire can be an essential part of a happy long-term relationship, it also helps to know that not all fantasies or desires are intended to become a reality. Many people view fantasy as an opportunity to explore what they didn't think they could or wanted to do in real life. It's normal for everyone to have different things they want, so be honest with yourself and your partner about what you are willing to explore together.

With the advent of technology and easier access to information, younger generations are learning more about their sexuality. Why does it matter? As we witness a generational shift in our view of sex, it’s important to recognize that this also impacts our sexual desires. In particular, it means being able to share who we want and how many people we want without judgment.

Compared to partnered Americans as a whole, Ashley Madison^* members have higher rates of all types of sexual fantasies (60-90+% vs 42-80+% to some degree among partnered Americans), with the exception of homoeroticism where the numbers were similar. Yet Ashley Madison members were far less likely (30%) to feel they can share with their primary partners than the average partnered American (54%). Anecdotally, some Ashley Madison members say that having a secondary partner allows them to explore their sexual desires and that otherwise go unfulfilled in their primary relationship.

They are also more than twice as likely to be in relationships where they no longer have sex with their primary partners (15%) compared to the partnered general population (6%). More than three-quarters (77%) of members also report being not very satisfied with the sexual aspects of their primary relationship – nearly twice as many as the partnered general population (42%).

Being able to express sexual desires within a relationship can be life-changing.  It improves the quality of our sex lives, helping us feel happier, healthier, and more connected with our partners. That’s why Ashley Madison members use their extramarital connections as a means to not only preserve their primary relationships, but to fulfill all of their needs, including sexual, emotional, and intellectual intimacy.

So, what if loving more than one person at once or having more than one sexual partner – rather than being a betrayal of others – could be an expression of love? With nearly 400,000 new monthly signups on Ashley Madison, it’s clear that non-monogamy is here to stay.

Dr. Zhana Vrangalova is a relationship scientist, consultant and NYU adjunct professor of human sexuality. She’s a world-renowned expert in non-monogamy and the creator of Open Smarter™, an online course that guides couples and individuals to identify and navigate the relationship type best suited for their unique personality and circumstances.

She holds a PhD in Developmental Psychology from Cornell University, and her scholarly work on nontraditional relationship styles has been published in several peer-reviewed journals.